Bye Bye Fringe

So that's the Fringe over with for another year. It ended on a high because I got to meet BJ Novak aka Ryan The Temp from The Office. His show was fantastic, and it was pretty surreal to actually be in the same room as someone who is in a show you're completely obsessed with. After it, he did a signing and was just as lovely as I hoped he would be. He asked where I worked and thanked me for coming along and then went on to meet the hundreds of other people queuing up to meet him.

The actual Fringe ended on Monday with the annual Stand wrap party. I was really close to turning round on the way there and going home, but being a grown up I decided to listen to everyone who seemed to be looking forward to me being there. The party had moments of being really great, but also had moments of being awkward and horrible at all once. Once we left the main crux of people and headed to a couple of bars via a flat to refuel on vodka, the night got a lot better. I tend to feel a lot more comfortable around smaller groups of people I know, rather than huge groups of people I don't. Even though a surprising number of people I'd never met came up to me to say they liked what I was wearing, I'm still too socially anxious for those situations. The night ended in the best possible way it could, so I guess I did make the right decision to go after all. 

FRINGE TIMES: WEEK THREE

The third week of the Fringe was considerably quieter than the first two. I had to go back to work, so that alone took away a lot of my availability to see shows.

On Tuesday, The Edinburgh Playhouse hosted the launch of a new comedian photography exhibition. It’s a series of black and white portraits of the comics by Matt Crockett including people like Tony Law, Vic Reeves, Harry Hill, Josh Widdicombe and Matt Lucas. I was meant to be running the launch, but by the time I got to work I had pretty full on stomach cramps and was feeling sick, so I was back on the next train home for a day spent lying in bed.

I was back at work and feeling 100 times better on Wednesday, so I was there for the girls afternoon out to see The Other Guys. I say afternoon out, but we really just walked down a set of stairs and watched them in The Boards. The Other Guys are this great all male a cappella group from St Andrews, who known for their music parody songs like this one - 

On Friday, The Playhouse team got to leave the office at 4pm to begin a night out of Fringe fun. We headed to the the Crowne Plaza to celebrate their 1st birthday with drinks and food for everyone who could eat it. Then it was Basement for more drinks and some food I could eat, before we headed back to The Boards to see Miss Hope Springs. 

On Saturday, I managed to fit in my 3rd show of the week which was A Split Decision at Assembly Rooms. It's a really good show, and it was nice to catch up with some of comedians from The Stand and some fellow ex-employees. I spent Saturday night at Summerhall celebrating Alan's birthday with his Buffer friends and some other guys from The Playhouse, before spending most of Sunday lying around and hanging with my family.

This week I'm going to see BJ NOVAK!!!!! I also need to squeeze in some other shows, try karaoke for the first time, have a few nights out and try to spend as little money as possible. 

"I'm not fat; I've never been fat. But ever since then, there has been a monster in my brain that tells me I am—that convinces me my clothes don't fit or that I've eaten too much. At times it has forced me to starve myself, to run extra miles, to abuse my body."

This is what Zosia Mamet wrote in her latest column in Glamour magazine. After suffering for years without anyone knowing about her eating disorder, she's finally opened up about her battle to control it.

I read that quote from her column a few days ago. I've been replaying it over and over in my head ever since. It's as if someone has finally said something that's clicked in my head and made sense. I've never had an eating disorder, or really come close to having one, but I do "live in that gray area of food control issues."

I grew up in a family who generally ate really well. We had the odd takeaway and meal out, but my parents never allowed us to eat a lot of junk food and we were never given huge portions. I was also a dancer, so I was really active. I guess I also had good genes so there was never a time when I was considered to be close to overweight.

I don't know when I started to hate my body. I feel like it's just always been something that's been there. I can't remember there ever being a time when I've looked in the mirror and been happy. It doesn't matter if people tell me I look good either because I always just assume they're saying it to be nice. It's as if my brains doesn't believe anyone would actually think that, so it just dismisses any nice comment it hears.

As times this obsession I have has lead me to cut down what i'm eating and pushed me to go running a lot more than I need to. My habits are also very much controlled by my emotions. When the only serious relationship I've been in broke down a few years ago, I pretty much stopped eating altogether and the weight just dropped off me. The fact I wasn't fat to begin with meant that I lost weight that I didn't need to lose. Somehow I'd managed to convince myself that he would like me again if I was thinner, as if that was the reason why things had ended in the first place. 

Of course it wasn't. It wasn't anything to do with that at all. But even though I know that, I still seem to carry around these thoughts that being thinner equals being loved. I look back at all the people I've fancied since I was 16 years old and they couldn't be more different. There have been tall ones, short ones, thin ones, rounder ones, ones with long hair and ones with no hair at all. Yet I seem to be under some illusion that the male species are only interested in thin women. 

Right now, I'm the smallest I've ever been. I'm generally one of the smallest people in my groups of friends, yet I still have major issues accepting how I look. I was in  Topshop a few days ago to try on some new clothes for a party that's coming up at the end of the month. I put on the sequin skirt I'd fallen in love with on the hanger, and it was clear for anyone to see that it was too big. I haven't only lost a few pounds lately, but I've dropped a dress size too. As I tried on the other clothes I'd taken in to the dressing room, the size 8 dresses were also too big. Yet I still stood looking in the mirror attacking what i saw while I was changing, and feeling guilty about being hungry.

The most frustrating thing of all is that people quite often brush of my body concerns. It's as if some people think that you can't have serious body issues because you're not overweight or have an proper eating disorder. But some of us do. We worry that we're eating too much. We worry that we're not doing enough exercise. And we worry about what other people see when they look at us. 

Zosia said in her column that she wants people to start talking about these issues. Well that's what I thought i'd do. There might not be a name for my eating issues, but I definitely have some of my own. So maybe it is time we all started talking about it in order to try and accept ourselves more or to help those who are struggling in silence.

If you want to read Zosia's full column it's here - http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2014/08/zosia-mamet-opens-up-about-her-eating-disorder

Fringe Times: Week Two

Having a week off during the Fringe is a luxury I could get really used to, and it's definitely going to put me off working for a Fringe venue again any time soon. 

My Fringe week started with an Edinburgh Playhouse trip to see Buffer. The play, which was written by our colleague Alan, was fantastic. It's hard not to be a little bias when your friend has written it, but it really was a great piece of theatre.

On Wednesday, I headed into town for some veggie lunch at Henderson's with Seymour Mace before going to watch his show and Simon Munnery. Simon's show was good, but I think I set my expectations too high going in, and that only led to me feeling a little let down by it.

Seymour's show on the other hand was pretty damn good. The guests change daily, and I picked a great day to go because his guests were Josie Long, Michael Legge and Robin Ince. It's on a Stand 5 for another two weeks so that gives you plenty of time to go and see it.

Thursday was my only non-Fringe day in Edinburgh. I took Rebecca for some cocktails to celebrate her getting into Stirling uni to study nursing at All Bar One. We decided against venturing into any Fringe venues and hung about the shops instead, obviously spending more money than I actually have in my bank account.

Friday night was the start of my Fringe weekend. It started with Simon Amstell, who as expected was one of my favourite acts of the Fringe so far. He also made some good points about being vegan. He talked about how often people ask him about his protein intake, so that definitely helped win me over . After Simon, it was a quick dash to the Assembly Rooms for Very Best of the Fest with Jo Caulfield, Danny Bhoy, Robin Ince, Rob Rouse and Andrew Maxwell. Then despite it being 2am and being shattered, it was time for my first ever trip to the Jazz Bar sponsored by lots of vodka and red bull to keep me awake until the first train home at 5.30am. 

Saturday was spent feeling pretty tired having only slept for about 3 hours. The first show of the day was a Best of the Fest show up at Assembly George Square with Gareth Richards and Andrew Ryan. Then it was some drinks in the sun at St Andrew Square before a trip to Assembly Rooms to see Aye Right? How No? with Keir McAllister and Vladimir McTavish. Next it was up to Pleasance Courtyard to see Pete Firman. His show was really good, but the venue didn't really accommodate his magic show well, as lots of people who couldn't really see everything he was doing on stage. Since the show started late, it meant I couldn't get to another venue to see Damian Clark in time. Instead a girl who was flyering recommended we go see David Trent. He turned out to be fantastic and the show would probably make it into my top 3 Fringe shows I've seen so far. 

I slept in for Bridget Christie and Tony Law on Sunday, so the first show of the day was Boxman at 4pm. Since he's friends with one of my friends, we managed to get ourselves into the artist bar at Gilded Balloon so we could shelter from the rain and get introduced to quite a few comedians I didn't know.

The final shows of the weekend were David O'Doherty and Frank Skinner at Assembly Theatre. I've never seen either of them live before, but they were both really good. David O'Doherty turned out to be my favourite show of the festival so far, and I also think I may want to marry him a little bit.  Frank Skinner was also really funny, although some parents took their really young kids to the show which was pretty weird.

As we enter another week of the Fringe I've realised that there's still LOTS of shows I want to go and see. But since I can't afford to actually buy many more tickets, I think it's time to try and scam some free ones for the rest of the week.

Bajo Wedding Bells!!

This week I got to attend the first ever Bajo wedding, or at least first among my group of friends from university. We all headed to Elderslie to watch the beautiful Jen Black marry Danny and become Mrs Devlin. Once they had official tied the knot, it was time for Zee, Jenn and me to pile into Jayne's car and take a road trip to Brig o' Doon for the reception.

The Brig o' Doon house hotel was set in the most beautiful grounds you could wish for, especially with the sun shinning like it did all day. We got a chance to walk down by the river as we enjoyed some champagne and took photographs before the meal was served. This was my third wedding, but first being vegan and not really knowing what kind of food would be served. I didn't take any photos of the food but I ended up eating melon for starter followed by potato and leek soup (turns out I do like soup after all). The main course was a huge salad filled with peppers, asparagus, and orange, and then for dessert I had a selection of fruit sorbet.

We didn't stay too long since it was a two hour drive home, and some of us were up stupidly early for work but it was an amazing day surrounded by some of my favourite people who I don't get to see often enough.

Best. News. Ever.

This is David. He's my little brother, but most of all he's one of my best friends. It's 6 years this week since he was admitted to Yorkhill Hospital in Glasgow. I still remember the first time the c word was mentioned. Despite knowing there was a mass in his chest when I arrived on his ward, it hadn't quite sunk in that it was cancer. The next 12 months were a complete blur. I remember the good days when we would watch a DVD together and even laugh. However it's the bad days that stick in my mind more. The days when we didn't think he would get any better. The weeks he spent on a ventilator in ICU when I wasn't even sure if he could hear me talking to him, and the times he was so weak he couldn't even move. 

He was finally well enough to leave the hospital in June 2009. I remember thinking everything would be fine when he was released, but it was a still roller coaster ride that involved hospital appointments, operations and lots of physiotherapy so he could learn to walk again. He also started high school over a year after all his friends did. For the first few months he was only able to go for a couple of hours a week, and didn't really start full time until third year. In total, he missed about two years of high school. He never complained or moaned about catching up at school, he just got on with it. 

Today he got accepted to Stirling Uni and I can't even put into words how proud I am. He's faced more in his short life than I ever imagined was even possible, and he's braver than I could ever hope to be. The next chapter of his life is just around the corner, and I can't wait to watch him enjoy every step of it. 

Fringe Times: Week One

So I guess the Fringe is finally here. After three years working non-stop during it, I can actually spend some time seeing shows, drinking, and hanging out with friends this year. 

Since I couldn't really go to The Stand launch party this year, I went to catch up with some people I haven't seen in a while before it. I went to have a look round the new Stand 5 venue before visiting with some of the guys at Stand 3 and 4. Then I went for some tea (or juice if you don't like tea) and catch up with Seymour, Gavin and Kate. 

I'd managed to get some free tickets through work for The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo so I spent Thursday night there. I'd never actually been before, but it was easily one of the best shows I've ever seen. It was press night, so it was a little ruined by the photographers running around and getting in the way of the performers. At some points the dancers couldn't do their routine properly because they just stood in their way. The whole thing made me feel really proud to be Scottish. If Alex Salmond wants to get more yes votes, then he really should do some campaigning when people are leaving the show. 

Despite my reservations about the big firework display at the end of the night, it was actually a really great show. I don't think i'll be rushing out to see any again soon, but maybe next time I see some I won't be having an anxiety attack about fireworks next time I see some.

On Friday I finished work at 5 and went to meet up with Cara and Emma for our first night of proper Fringe shows. We went to Espionage first to catch a free show before going up to the BBC village and then onto see The Axis of Awesome. 

Cara and Emma have been fans of them for years now, and they really didn't disappoint at all. It's weird how much you miss when you're working so much. I did feel like a bit of a traitor for hanging out at other venues, but it's also nice to actually explore the Fringe a bit more. 

On Sunday I headed back to The Stand to hide out in the tech box with Will and watch a couple of shows. Stephen K Amos was fantastic and I would recommend him to anyone who hasn't seen him before. I also stuck around to watch Rob Rouse for the first time. He was great too, but I really wish there had been more people in to watch his show.

Next week I'm planning to see lots more shows including Buffer, Simon Munnery, Seymour Mace, Bridget Christie, Simon Amstell, Damian Clark, Tony Law and then dance the night away in The Jazz Bar for the first time.

I'm also planning to sleep for more than three hours a night. Bring on week 2!